Availability vs Alignment: Why Attraction in Your Twenties Feels So Confusing
Ever find yourself looking back on a relationship or crush and thinking: Did I actually like them…or was it just that they were easy to reach?
It’s an uncomfortable thought, but it’s worth exploring. Many of the relationships we have in our twenties don’t start because of deep compatibility - they start because the timing and circumstances make them possible.
Not because we’re careless - but because attraction is influenced by factors we often overlook.
Why Attraction Feels Inevitable
Attraction can feel magnetic, like fate. But often, it’s a combination of a few simple factors rather than destiny:
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Being around each other
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Shared values and interests
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Time spent together
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Mutual interest
When all these are present, a connection can feel destined, even if it’s more about circumstance than alignment.
1. Being Around Each Other: Closeness Breeds Connection
We tend to feel closer to people we encounter often - at school, at work, at the gym, or in our social circles. Physical or functional proximity creates opportunity, and opportunity can look like attraction.
This is why so many early relationships form in environments where we naturally spend a lot of time. It doesn’t mean these people are the “right” ones - it means they were accessible.
2. Shared Values: Familiarity Feels Comfortable
Despite the idea that "opposites attract,” we actually gravitate toward people who reflect aspects of ourselves - similar values, similar outlooks, similar ways of thinking. This familiarity makes connections easier and smoother, but it doesn’t automatically equal long-term compatibility. Someone can feel familiar without truly aligning with your bigger life goals.
3. Time Together: Comfort Can Be Mistaken for Chemistry
The more time we spend with someone, the more natural they feel. Psychologists estimate:
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40-60 hours to consider someone a casual friend
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80-100 hours to feel like a good friend
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200-300 hours to feel like a best friend
Time builds trust and comfort, and comfort can sometimes masquerade as deep chemistry.
4. Mutual Interest: Validation Feels Powerful
We are drawn to people who show interest in us. Feeling liked is validating, energizing, and can make a relationship feel more meaningful than it might objectively be. Mutual interest creates momentum - but it isn’t the same as shared goals or compatibility.
When Things Feel Meant to Be
When proximity, shared values, time together, and mutual interest all align, relationships can feel destined. And sometimes maybe they are. But often, what we’re experiencing is convenience, not true alignment. And that’s okay. Those relationships were meaningful for the stage of life you were in - they taught you something, even if they weren’t meant to last.
A New Way to Reflect
Instead of asking: Why did I like them so much?
Try asking: Would I make the same choice now? Does this connection feel aligned or just familiar? If circumstances changed, would the connection stay? Awareness doesn’t erase the past - it reframes it.
Choosing with Clarity
Understanding how attraction works isn’t about becoming cynical - it’s about being conscious. Recognizing the difference between accessibility and alignment helps you make intentional choices going forward. Your past relationships aren’t mistakes. They were lessons in timing, connection, and self-discovery. And that awareness? It’s one of the most valuable tools you can take into the next chapter of your life.